


JARVIS is the (Eventual) Solution to Everything

by AngeNoir



Series: Write-Away Giveaway Fills on Tumblr [1]
Category: Marvel (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, but basically fluff, gets a big serious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-14
Updated: 2013-05-14
Packaged: 2017-12-11 21:12:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/803318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngeNoir/pseuds/AngeNoir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peter and Wade come up with plans to teach Pops and Dad to <em>stop having sex on every flat surface Jesus <b>Christ</b> you are full grown adults and I don't want to see that <span class="u">at all</span></em>!</p>
            </blockquote>





	JARVIS is the (Eventual) Solution to Everything

**Author's Note:**

> As a celebration for reaching 100 followers on tumblr, I'm holding a giveaway [here](http://outercorner.tumblr.com/post/51036127748/write-away-giveaway-last-call-3-hours-left), and what I'm giving away is prompt fills for anyone who asks! This is the first prompt I received, from [xtremisspotts](http://xtremisspotts.tumblr.com), who prompted this:
> 
> _STEVE. TONY. PETER. like a superfamily thing where Peter keeps on barging in at the ~wrong times~ and is mentally scarred for life?_

“What’s the matter? Your dads keeping you up with all the hot monkey sex they’re having?”

“Go ‘way, Wade,” Peter mumbled, head cradled by his arms on the cafeteria table.

“Aw, c’mon, Petey, don’t be like that. Besides, if I didn’t poke you into talking, the readers will never get why you’re not eating lunch.”

Peter lifted his head and stared at Wade, who was sitting across the table, grinning maniacally. “I don’t understand you sometimes,” he muttered.

A nudge from the side had him turning to look at where Gwen had sat down, brown bag in front of her. “What’s up Peter? Wade, I thought you were in in-school suspension.”

“I _was_ ,” Wade admitted slowly. “I was hungry. And Peter needs friends to complain to.”

“Oh my god, I’m going to deal with it.” _Somehow_ , Peter added on mentally, because he was sixteen years old and his parents had been like this for _ever_ and it was only now, now that Peter knew exactly what all those weird positions were, that he realized just what he had caught them doing over the years. Or, not caught, because – _thank all the powers that be and all the powers that don’t and science and whatever is out there_ – he had not yet caught them _fully_ naked.

Half-naked and getting to fully naked, or mostly clothed with a few damning gaps in clothing, but never completely naked.

 _Yet_.

“I think it’s sweet,” Gwen said, laughing at the faces both Wade and Peter made. “What? Your parents are still so in love that they forget the world around them. Do you know how rare that is?”

“Is it too much to ask for them to _not do it where I can find them_?” Peter enunciated, and then burrowed back down in his arms.

Wade poked at his elbow. “You need to eat. And we need to come up with a plan to get them to stop.”

“They’ve been doing this since I was, like, eight. Nine. How are we going to get them to stop?”

-+-+-+-

Peter didn’t get to use Wade’s plan A at the first opportunity, because he forgot the flashlight in his room when he came down from his room at one in the morning to get something to drink. The kitchen was dark, as always, and there was faint light from the living room and the study, so he moved quietly as his Pops had already given him that ‘disappointed’ look he was so good at giving when he found out Peter was not sleeping healthily.

(Dad hadn’t cared, only mentioned that if there was a serious problem, like insomnia or something else, he had to let them know, but that his sleeping schedule had been more fucked up than that when he was sixteen. Pops had looked tired and sad, then, and so Peter had hastily promised to always tell them if he had serious problems sleeping and escaped from the kitchen.)

But he had really just wanted some of that beef leftover from dinner and maybe some of the mashed potatoes too and probably another ear of corn because he was really hungry, and after digging it all out and putting a plate together, he turned around from the fridge and was greeted by the sight of his Pops’ naked ass. Cresting over the couch and then humping back down. And, now that he was really paying attention and not standing directly next to the hum of the fridge, he could hear breathy moans and smacking noises.

“OH MY GOD DADS CAN’T YOU JUST GO TO YOUR ROOM IT IS RIGHT UP THE STAIRS!” he shrieked, dashing out of the kitchen and up into his room, slamming the door behind him.

-+-+-+-

Peter got to use plan A at the second opportunity, less because he had the flashlight and more because he came home from the library, walked into the dark kitchen, and turned on the light to reveal Pops leaning against the fridge and Dad on his knees in front of him.

“YOU HAVE A TEENAGER LIVING IN THE HOUSE WITH YOU!” he yelped, forgoing the kitchen to retreat to his room again, slamming the door.

-+-+-+-

“I think,” Peter said solemnly to Wade, “your idea is inherently flawed.”

Wade flicked another paperclip unerringly into the teacher’s coffee cup. “But it had such potential for amusing the readers,” he muttered under his breath.

“What?” Peter hissed, twisting in his seat.

“Mr. Parker, would you like to share your conversation with the class?”

Mr. Orbund was, without doubt, one of the worse science teachers to have. Why he thought the answer to that question would ever be yes, Peter didn’t know. As it was, he couldn’t quite blurt out _my dads keep having sex where I can see!_ to the class, so he slumped low in his seat. “No, sir,” he responded respectfully.

As the teacher turned back to the whiteboard, Wade leaned forward and murmured, “Ever owned a cat?”

-+-+-+-

Whether it was by luck or design, Peter actually could implement Wade’s plan B the first time afterwards that he caught his parents _at it_ again. Of course, part of the reason he could was because he had just gotten the device ready, walked into Dad’s workshop to explain the new system, turned the corner, and found Dad sprawled out on the couch with Pops’ hand down his pants.

“OH MY GOD!” he shouted, and spritzed them both with the water bottle.

-+-+-+-

“Your water idea didn’t work.”

Wade hummed and tapped a finger against the table. “Have you tried hitting them on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper?”

“They’re not _animals_ , Wade—”

“They’re going at it like they are.”

Peter paused. “Point,” he admitted reluctantly, and then shook his head. “But no, I need something better than that.”

“A whistle?” Wade suggested. “A flyswatter? Screaming at the top of your lungs again – because that works so well.”

With a moan, Peter dropped his head onto his desk and half-closed his English textbook around his face.

“Mr. Parker, are you feeling well?”

He looked up at Ms. Finwell and whimpered, “I’m mentally scarred for life.”

“That’s nice, dear. Would you like to analyze these lines from Hamlet, then?”

-+-+-+-

Plans C, D, and E were summarily scrapped because of various problems encountered in their execution.

(C required throwing a blanket over them, but frankly, Peter didn’t want to _see_ them; getting up close enough to throw a blanket on was counterproductive. D was limited to bringing it up subtly and referencing it often, but that just made Peter and Pops both blush like tomatoes and Dad grin like a smug idiot. E was scrapped way before implementation because how different was silly string from water, really? It wouldn’t do a thing and Peter wasn’t getting close enough to spray them again. Bad enough the first time.)

Peter was glowering at his keyboard – skyping with Wade was an exercise in patience, because Wade got distracted, told him to wait, and then proceeded to get hurt if Peter closed out the window – when there was a knock on the door. He turned to see his Dad leaning against the doorframe, smirking.

“What do you want?” he grumbled.

“Seems to me like you’re having a problem. Normally, I’m a big fan of letting you figure out your problems on your own, considering the fact that you _are_ a certified genius, but it’s making Steve feel very nervous about sex and frankly, I liked him more aggressive than he has been.” Dad sat down on the edge of Peter’s bed and propped his chin up in his hand. “So. You’ve obviously tried certain things with us, and it’s not worked. That blanket fell nowhere close to us – I’m not sure if you intended to just hit us with it or do something else with it. And as much as I don’t mind a wet, glistening Steve—”

“ _Daaaaad_ ,” Peter moaned, forehead smushing onto the keyboard.

“—he didn’t like getting sprayed with water. And talking about sex just makes you stutter.”

“I just want you guys to _stop_!” Peter huffed. “No one _else’s_ parents act like horny dogs!”

There was no response to that, and after a moment, Peter twisted his head from its facedown position to see his Dad looking at him steadily, and a bit disappointedly. “Peter,” he said, and his voice was stern and gentle but unyielding, “your Pops and I love each other. Maybe we should be more restrained – Steve certainly thinks so – but I love him. I didn’t stop kissing him in front of the cameras when reporters told me to do it in private, and I’m not going to stop being physically affectionate. Now, I get that you’ve walked in on things that you really shouldn’t have – which is why I’ve installed JARVIS throughout the house, now, instead of just down in the Avengers quarters and in the workshop. JARVIS will let you know if you shouldn’t walk into a room. Alright?”

Dad stood up and walked out of the room, leaving Peter feeling like shit – but he _didn’t_ need to see his parents having sex, he really, really didn’t, but perhaps instead of asking them to stop it all, or train them out of it like you’d train a pet out of bad behavior, he should have gone about this differently.

Jumping out of his seat, he dashed into the hallway and barreled into the back of his Dad – who was currently being hugged by Pops. They made a noise of surprise, but he buried his face in the small of Dad’s back and mumbled, “I love you two, you know?”

Pops’ hand, strong and assured, rested on the back of his head, and Dad wiggled around to wrap his arms around Peter’s shoulders. “We love you too, kiddo.”

-+-+-+-

“You may not wish to enter that room at this moment, young Sir.”

“DADS, I’M HUNGRY SO YOU HAVE TWO MINUTES TO BE PRESENTABLE AND YOU BETTER NOT BE ON THE KITCHEN TABLE AGAIN!”


End file.
